Say what?

Where even to being?! The last couple of weeks have been the quickest in my life and so much has happened. The funny part is so much is about to happen as well. I’m so excited for it. My parents even commented on how happy and excited I seemed when I saw them the other day. Doesn’t help when they’re saying things such as “we’re going to miss you, you know”. I know they mean well but I don’t deal with comments like that well.

One problem, I still don’t know which route to take. Both excite the hell out of me but which one?! So many people have told me stay and live with my friends then go on that date. The other half have said go! They said I’ll regret it. I don’t live with regrets so I doubt that will happen. Regrets are more like lessons in my life. Use them and don’t regret.

I’ll sit here one day and say I want to stay. Then the next, I’m planning on leaving the following week. I’m at that age where what I do is going to define everything about me. I’ve agreed to go on this date next week as well. I don’t know why. Anyone that has ever known me, know’s me and dates don’t happen.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Yes, me travelling is running away but imagine what you’ll see!

I play music really loud so I can think, or is it not to think?

I am all over the place but so excited.

You know when you want to just scream into the wilderness and then just laugh? THAT! I also miss someone more than I should, and yes I keep going on about it but GAH!

Just small things in my life as well like smiling at random people and wishing them a nice day seems to have made my life a thousand times better. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better life is when you just smile at random people.

‘The Secret’ really does work.

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Two roads.

The sun is out, everyone’s smiling and I’m loving life. Only one thing, which road do I pick? It’s actually getting to the point where I can’t decide. The one person I’d ask advice for I can’t and no one else will understand how big of a choice this is. I got a text from a friend saying yesterday “You’re either upset or thinking because no one’s heard from you”. It made me laugh because anyone that knows me, knows that I sort of disappear when something happens. Nothing’s happened it’s just I don’t know which road to pick.

If I take the stay here and live with friends road, I think it looks like I’ll start seeing someone. I like them but I’m going to be open minded about it all. I told them why I can’t do it at the moment and they said they’d wait. (WHAT?!). It happened quickly but me being honest with her seems to have helped. She has no idea the person I used to be and I want it to stay that way until it has to come up. I still look at my phone though, hoping that one person will text me just asking to see how I am. It’s never going to happen but I can wish.

Choices.

The choice with what I want to do for the next 5 years is coming round very quickly. Let me put this out there very early, I’m scared. I laugh at that because most things don’t scare me at all. Do I live with my friends or go and travel?

ARE YOU AWARE?

I have no idea which way to choose. To add it on if I stay, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start seeing someone. I’ve put on going on a date with them for too long so I put my cards on the table. I really don’t want to mess them about until I know what I want to do. To my surprise they were okay with this and said they’d help me out anyway they could.

ARE YOU AWARE?

Which ever choice I make, it will define me for the rest of my life. It has to be a choice that I want to make. Not anybody else. Everyone keeps giving me advice but it’s actually the last thing I want. It sounds harsh but I don’t want people helping me. This is something I have to do. I can’t wait thought. As well as being scared, I’m buzzing for life. I’ve stopped playing around and hurting people. It really isn’t very nice. Yes, I miss someone more than I should. I’d like to think part of them miss me but I don’t know.

My words the other day were very strong. I didn’t mean any of them. My head wasn’t thinking straight.

What I will say now is, I will always care about you and I don’t care that you don’t like that. I think I’m right in saying I do care about you more than anyone you know and again I don’t care. Sometimes we have to be selfish and this is my choice. You might not like it but I will always care about you. If you care about me is a different question.

I have to think about myself and the present. I will always think about you and hope that you’re okay. I am sorry for everything. I’m sorry if you’ve taken my awful habits into your life. You say that it was your choice and you’re right but deep down I’ve not helped at all.

Thank you for just being there though. You’re amazing and you’ll make someone so happy one day.

Coward.

There is so much I could write right now. I’ve never been so angry. You’re a coward. You took the easy route out. Instead of talking you laughed at me.

I’M SO FUCKING ANGRY.

Now I know why I didn’t care about people. You said I sort of made you person you are today. You’ve made me an awful person. You won’t even be the one that receives my anger. Other people will.

I will treat people the way that I want to be treated. This though, this was something else. You lied to me SO MUCH.

I saw you as a friend! Instead you saw me as some piece of dirt that you find on the bottom of your shoe. How dare you?! How dare you think you did me a favour? Your friends should know the warning signs around you. I know you’ll read this as well. I want you to read my whole blog. Read it all once.

I know you didn’t mean half the things you said. You just had to say it so I’d feel this way. In your mind, the more hurtful it is the more I won’t want to talk to you. It’s worked. I doubt you’ll find anyone that will ever care about you as much as I have.

Thoughts.

We all have to stop. Just stop. What are you thinking about? That one thing that you’re thinking about now is the reason you’re in the certain mood that you are. We all have one thought in the forefront of our minds. Maybe it stems to other thoughts but there is a core thought that is controlling us at any one point. Over hours, days, weeks, months and years it will change. It’s normally down to us how often the thought changes. If you want it to change you have to set about changing it.

Sometimes these thoughts just aren’t welcome but they stay, weird isn’t it? Many people push these thoughts to the back of our mind. I used to do this, trust me it isn’t healthy. But it isn’t healthy to dwell on one thought for too long. Head straight into these thoughts. Stop over thinking about it, and do something about it. Too many people that I’ve come across live their life with the question, ‘what if?’. Why do this? Wouldn’t it be better knowing one way or another. The thought could be about moving, someone, a promotion, family member, or what you even want to do with your life! But why sit their with a what if attitude. If you stay with that theory for the rest of your life you could end up having so many regrets wishing you had done something different. Yes, you may regret doing what you thought was best, but at least you know!

People may say that going straight into these thoughts is just going to get you hurt say if you can’t move, can’t get promoted or the person you want doesn’t want you. That’s just a negative attitude to have about it all. One set back doesn’t mean you have to press pause on your life. Move on. Time won’t stop for you because you didn’t get the answer or certain outcome you wanted. Move onto the next thought or wait for the thought to come to you. Too many people dwell on thoughts that just don’t mean much after they have the outcome. Stand up and be counted. We all have one life and we shouldn’t waste it.

Everything.

Every emotion you can think off, I’ve felt it over the last couple of weeks. I’m so tired from it all. I’ve started to push people away because I just can’t let anybody in. The one person I let see my whole world and I cared about so much just, well yeah. I just don’t know what I did and this just ends up to me being angry with myself then upset. I thought I was okay but was that just a front to begin with as I didn’t come to terms with the fact the one person I want to talk to I can’t?

Yes, I know we argued a lot in the last few months but that isn’t all down to my part. I suppose my punishment is that I take the blame for everything that has gone wrong in someones life with me. They must think that if I go then so does a lot of other things. It doesn’t work like that. Knowing that they care, think and love me like I do for them makes this even harder. I have to sit here and act like everything is okay when deep down I know that they’re thinking about me too!

I promise you, there will be a day where you regret this. The person may laugh but I’ve done exactly the same thing before. All of this isn’t new to me.

I’m not going to change the way I am though. We should all keep to the way we are. Life goes on with or without people. Being nice does pay off. I’m not the nicest person in the world and I can be quite selfish but for the people I care about, I will always put them before me. I always have and always will. I’ll get hurt along the way but maybe that’s due to the fact that I’ve hurt many people before. It’s maybe the way life is showing me that’s how people feel when you treat them like that, how about you feel it too?

The funny thing is, I’ve pushed away, or maybe ignored is the better word, the one person that I’ve waited to come back into my life for a while. Maybe I should be more open to the idea of them being in my life again but at this point I’m not. They want to go travelling and so do I. The one question we’ve clearly both asked ourselves is ‘is this worth doing now?’.

Life has a funny way of showing me lessons but I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m so lucky to have what I’ve had so far in life and the people I’ve experienced it with. ¬†Even the people not in my life now, I can look back and say how my life has changed because of them. I said to somebody the other day, “Being negative is easy, the hard part is being positive”. You just have to look around you to see the negativity in the world today. People, newspapers, the news and more. Coming through that and having a smile on your face is what life is all about. Being happy is what life is all about. We all have to do what makes us happy to enjoy life, even if that means making tough decisions. I know the decision that somebody made wasn’t an easy one but it’s one they felt they had to take and I won’t hate them because of it. I’ve never hated anyone and I won’t start today.

I just always hope it’s you contacting me……

With what happened the other day, I would never have guessed what was about to happen around the corner. I mean just in the last 5 days, my life has changed, well I can’t even describe it. The best thing is, somebody said to me, “I’ve not seen you smile and laugh this much in a very long time”. That’s because what has happened is AMAZING.

I’m trying to act all cool about it on the outside but inside I’m glowing. Just being able to see the lights in people in a dark world is just something I can’t describe.

Good things happen to good people. If I could give advice to anybody, it is that. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have believed that. I was once, one of those people that took no cares for anyone but myself. Yes, I’ve changed but for the better. I feel like, without sounding big headed, like I’m being rewarded.

There is only one wish that I could make. That’s I wish I could tell a certain somebody about all of this. I know how much it would make them smile to see me this happy. I just hope they’re okay. I do miss them more then I care to admit. Yeah, I’ll act like I don’t miss them but all I really want is for them to say sorry and to say they didn’t mean what they said.

I get it.

You may not have meant EVERYTHING you said but you HAD to do it. It may have taken about 5 hours of crying to realise but I do get it. You had to say those things because you’ll never ever be able to repay the amount I do care about you.

I just wish it didn’t have to come to the way you had to do it. Our friendship does mean something to both of us and the way it ended will always scar me. I mean I laugh because you know how broken I am anyway let alone how this will make me further down the line. It’s the best thing that can happen. I’m sure I will try to reach out to you at some point before I go, so I can say goodbye to you the way it’s meant to be done.

The only thing that I hope is that you didn’t mean it when you said meeting me was one of the few regrets of your life. You think you’re a horrible person but I know you deep down, and I know that in time you’ll become the person you’ve longed to become, just I didn’t imagine it being without me.

With one door closing though, another opened yesterday which I would never have guessed in a million years. Someone is trying to come back into my life who is very much a reason the way I am today. This person when I think about them, I just smile. I’m going to play this cool and see what happens. Is this karma though? Trying to help someone but getting a lot of hassle for it then getting something I’ve wished for a long time. They say never go back but in this case, I might just ignore that rule.

‘Dat song.

I really don’t like this band that much BUT there is one song that I love. I listen to it for the words not because of the song. I always feel like it sums up the way I am. When I always feel alone in this world I listen to it to remind myself that on the other side it does get better. Everything happens for a reason, we all know that, we just want to know WHY it happens.

This song just makes me smile every time. It reminds me that even the times of darkness, I, for whatever reason, always see the light in people that can’t see it in themselves. I’ve always done it. I might not be there as much anymore but I’ll ALWAYS be there.

I smile because in time you’ll understand. But, I’m done with it for now. I need to think about myself. I need to plan to go. I need to say my goodbyes to people that I haven’t spoken to as much as I should have. I certainly don’t feel sorry for myself. It’s time I woke up and realised what’s been going on. For too long, I’ve been allowing it to happen and not think about myself. What an I idiot I’ve become.

I think about the way I was a couple of years a go and that person would be laughing at the person that I am now. At the same time, that person I used to be would put a hand out to me to help me back to where I need to be. Time to stand up and be counted again.