We all fear what we don’t know.
I just want a hug. I’m in one of those feelings when I just want a hug. No talking, no nothing, just a hug. I’ve spent most of the day on my own, which is fine, but I watched the sunset on a hill all by myself. I don’t mind being by myself at all, it’s just I know sometimes I talk to people just to feel a ‘void’. I know that might sound weird to some people but it’s because I do push people away.
With most people I’ve realised, the more you try to help me, the more I’ll just push you away. I’ll come to people when I want help from them. Yes, that sounds selfish but it’s what I do. There are a few people that I don’t mind who come to me first. I might not tell them all my life though, it depends. For example, recently, someone I used to talk to a lot, I didn’t tell a lot to when we spoke. I don’t know why. Part of me wanted to tell them everything but then the other half thought, do they really care? I mean saying you care and showing you care are two very different things.
I laugh a lot when people try to act like they know me as well. I was with friends the other day and they just assumed something about me. It doesn’t matter what it was but it was wrong. I didn’t correct them as I didn’t see the point. Is that down to me not letting them in though? Then that got me thinking, not a lot, just who does really know me. When I really thought about it, a handful of people know me but only one person in the last year really knows me. That same person I wish I hadn’t ruined it with. It was my fault we don’t talk anymore, and that will always be a little regret that I have. I now have to just wonder what’s going on and just hope they’re okay. Just before I wrote this blog, I wrote out a text to them but just didn’t send it. I mean, do I really want to annoy them? No. When I was talking to them the other day, I was nervous. Why? I don’t even know! I wish I did. They’re the only person that knows me at the moment, and I’m nervous talking to them?! What’s that all about?
Maybe, this is why I write a blog? I’m making out I’m a massive loner, but I’m not. I laugh when I say that because, I’m actually talking to myself writing this. It’s just what’s on my mind at the time of writing this. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I have a lot on my mind, other times, I hardly have anything on my mind.
I’m still talking to the person that went back to America. It was cute while it lasted but it seems like nothing now. I’ll be nice for a while but normally that runs out quickly.
Also I noticed someone read a blog of mine that I wrote back a while a go. I read it back, should I read my whole blog back? When I saw someone read it though, I just wondered why that person did? I don’t know who read it but maybe it means something to them? Knowing people read my blog makes me smile though because I know some people out there clearly have the same problems.