Every emotion you can think off, I’ve felt it over the last couple of weeks. I’m so tired from it all. I’ve started to push people away because I just can’t let anybody in. The one person I let see my whole world and I cared about so much just, well yeah. I just don’t know what I did and this just ends up to me being angry with myself then upset. I thought I was okay but was that just a front to begin with as I didn’t come to terms with the fact the one person I want to talk to I can’t?
Yes, I know we argued a lot in the last few months but that isn’t all down to my part. I suppose my punishment is that I take the blame for everything that has gone wrong in someones life with me. They must think that if I go then so does a lot of other things. It doesn’t work like that. Knowing that they care, think and love me like I do for them makes this even harder. I have to sit here and act like everything is okay when deep down I know that they’re thinking about me too!
I promise you, there will be a day where you regret this. The person may laugh but I’ve done exactly the same thing before. All of this isn’t new to me.
I’m not going to change the way I am though. We should all keep to the way we are. Life goes on with or without people. Being nice does pay off. I’m not the nicest person in the world and I can be quite selfish but for the people I care about, I will always put them before me. I always have and always will. I’ll get hurt along the way but maybe that’s due to the fact that I’ve hurt many people before. It’s maybe the way life is showing me that’s how people feel when you treat them like that, how about you feel it too?
The funny thing is, I’ve pushed away, or maybe ignored is the better word, the one person that I’ve waited to come back into my life for a while. Maybe I should be more open to the idea of them being in my life again but at this point I’m not. They want to go travelling and so do I. The one question we’ve clearly both asked ourselves is ‘is this worth doing now?’.
Life has a funny way of showing me lessons but I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m so lucky to have what I’ve had so far in life and the people I’ve experienced it with. Even the people not in my life now, I can look back and say how my life has changed because of them. I said to somebody the other day, “Being negative is easy, the hard part is being positive”. You just have to look around you to see the negativity in the world today. People, newspapers, the news and more. Coming through that and having a smile on your face is what life is all about. Being happy is what life is all about. We all have to do what makes us happy to enjoy life, even if that means making tough decisions. I know the decision that somebody made wasn’t an easy one but it’s one they felt they had to take and I won’t hate them because of it. I’ve never hated anyone and I won’t start today.
I just always hope it’s you contacting me……