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“Feeling positive.” This was somebody’s status on Facebook when I logged on today. The fact that they had to write this says otherwise. I’m not moaning about this status, just observing the fact that so many people seem to have a closed mind about what they really think and feel.

I’ve been meaning to write a blog for a while, with other commitments it’s been hard to find the right subject or time. Before, when I used this blog it was to express whatever I was feeling at the time. I still plan to do this but one important factor that must be stated is when a ‘negative’ thought and feeling comes into my mind, I tend to, shall we say, box it up.

The routine is the same when I want to box the feeling up. Go for an hour’s run and listen to Ed Sheeran. It’s my way of telling my brain to store everything up and throw it out. Down the line, it may not be healthy but it works for now.

Lots of things have changed. I’m going in just over 40 days. Exciting and nervous is the only way I can sum that up. Leaving work is another big step coming up. Humanity doesn’t like change, we’ve talked about that before. My mind is trying to do anything possible to stem this to the front but I’m not listening. I need to do this.

Of course, I’m going to miss a lot of people but I’m going to miss one person more than I thought I did. It’s strange, I know I can still talk to them online but knowing I’m so far away from them will be a distance on our friendship. I don’t worry about a lot of people but I do worry about them. To be honest though, after a few recent events, me leaving them alone might just be the best option.

Do I deserve it?

I’m tired but it leads me to overthink and that’s dangerous.

I sent a drunk text to someone and I regret it blah blah blah. That’s not what I’m angry about. I’m angry that I didn’t even get a reply. I mean, I think I might deserve a little bit better than that. Everything I did to help and it’s like I’ve been thrown out with the rubbish. “You’re an old toy, I’ve found something better and new to play with”. It’s a cruel lesson in life.

I say a lot of things on my blog, stuff I’m thinking at the time. Most of the time I can’t even remember what I write.

You said you didn’t want me to leave and for us to have a problem with each other. The only problem is the way I’ve been treated, I don’t even know if I should allow myself to open up to you again. I don’t want you to pick me up like an old toy, use it for a while then throw it out again. Writing this has made me angry. I feel anger.

Yay!

I haven’t wrote on here in a while because I’ve been beyond busy! I’ve not had a lot to write about either really. Everything seems to be going well. I’ve booked to go away which I’m a lot more excited about than I’m actually letting off. I leave in a couple of months and I’m sure it will hit harder the sooner my flights come around. I’ll be gone for at least 3 years. Just seeing the rest of the world is going to be so different to what I’m used to which is what I want.

I wasn’t going to tell the one person I wanted to but I did. I kept it brief as that’s what our friendship needs right now. I can’t really explain any of it at the moment because I’ve not thought about it. The one strange thing that has happened though is the one person that’s talking to me and I’m just confused as to why. We shouldn’t think about these things but I’m just letting it flow.

Bring on Hong Kong!

Fear.

We all fear what we don’t know.

I just want a hug. I’m in one of those feelings when I just want a hug. No talking, no nothing, just a hug. I’ve spent most of the day on my own, which is fine, but I watched the sunset on a hill all by myself. I don’t mind being by myself at all, it’s just I know sometimes I talk to people just to feel a ‘void’. I know that might sound weird to some people but it’s because I do push people away.

With most people I’ve realised, the more you try to help me, the more I’ll just push you away. I’ll come to people when I want help from them. Yes, that sounds selfish but it’s what I do. There are a few people that I don’t mind who come to me first. I might not tell them all my life though, it depends. For example, recently, someone I used to talk to a lot, I didn’t tell a lot to when we spoke. I don’t know why. Part of me wanted to tell them everything but then the other half thought, do they really care? I mean saying you care and showing you care are two very different things.

I laugh a lot when people try to act like they know me as well. I was with friends the other day and they just assumed something about me. It doesn’t matter what it was but it was wrong. I didn’t correct them as I didn’t see the point. Is that down to me not letting them in though? Then that got me thinking, not a lot, just who does really know me. When I really thought about it, a handful of people know me but only one person in the last year really knows me. That same person I wish I hadn’t ruined it with. It was my fault we don’t talk anymore, and that will always be a little regret that I have. I now have to just wonder what’s going on and just hope they’re okay. Just before I wrote this blog, I wrote out a text to them but just didn’t send it. I mean, do I really want to annoy them? No. When I was talking to them the other day, I was nervous. Why? I don’t even know! I wish I did. They’re the only person that knows me at the moment, and I’m nervous talking to them?! What’s that all about?

Maybe, this is why I write a blog? I’m making out I’m a massive loner, but I’m not. I laugh when I say that because, I’m actually talking to myself writing this. It’s just what’s on my mind at the time of writing this. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I have a lot on my mind, other times, I hardly have anything on my mind.

I’m still talking to the person that went back to America. It was cute while it lasted but it seems like nothing now. I’ll be nice for a while but normally that runs out quickly.

Also I noticed someone read a blog of mine that I wrote back a while a go. I read it back, should I read my whole blog back? When I saw someone read it though, I just wondered why that person did? I don’t know who read it but maybe it means something to them? Knowing people read my blog makes me smile though because I know some people out there clearly have the same problems.

Weird feeling.

I haven’t spoken to somebody that I do normally in, well I don’t know how long. It’s weird. I miss them but then I don’t. Of course I care about them but it’s a bit like what? I was quite drunk last night and I have to give myself a pat on the back for not even drunk texting them. Anyone that knows me, will know that means a lot. I tend to drunk text a lot of people I care about. In the end I had a really good night. I woke up this morning though and realised I hadn’t spoken to them in a while.

Now, I know we’re not meant to over think etc etc BUT I have started thinking, do I want to talk to them? Like I have no idea what is going on in their life, which I’m cool about, but I still want to half know if they’re okay and what not. It’s a weird feeling isn’t it? I think I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m not going to make first contact. I know I said to them I feel uncomfortable talking to them with a situation changing but I don’t think they want to talk to me as well? I mean if they did they would have contacted me right? I’m overthinking this and need to go back to what I was doing. The american girl that I’ve got a little close to is leaving and it’s really kinda sad. Maybe I should give her my full attention instead of watching football and writing this blog. It sort of puts life into order though when people you care about depart for the other side of the world. I wonder if anyone will feel the same about me when I leave?

Nothing to say.

Since the last blog, a few people have asked why I’ve gone quiet. Simple answer- I don’t want to talk. I’m not upset or angry. I’m quite happy but I’ve just got nothing to say. I haven’t been thinking so I’ve had nothing to say to anyone. People have been asking me for help with their problems, which is fine. I can do that.

All I’ve really been thinking about is going away. It’s coming round quite quickly and I can’t wait.

One thing that has happened is I’ve told the girl that I went on a date with that it isn’t going to work. If you start to question if it will work, you’ve got your answer. I have been going on a few dates with someone else which nobody knows about. She’s different, maybe because she’s american. I don’t mean that in the rude sense, but just listening about her life makes me want to travel so much. She’s leaving next week so it meant I didn’t have to think about what was going to happen. We both knew why we went on dates with each other and it happened. We’ve promised each other that we’ll meet up around the world as we both travel.

All in all, everything is going great.

WHY DO I DO THIS?

What brings me to do it?! Why do I do it? I just don’t understand myself. Keep a distance I told myself. All that’s happened in the end is that I feel alone and I’ve lost again. The one person I asked for advice for, I can’t anymore. That’s my fault, I go weird but why am I the one that has to always feel alone?

Why do I feel like there’s nobody that even cares or listens to what I have to say or feel. Maybe I’m just that broken that, going travelling on my own is the only thing. I’ve even changed who I am from that person, but I don’t feel like it’s got me anywhere. I’m a better person than I used to be but I’m still looking at my life wondering if anyone would notice if I left tomorrow.

I’m just having one of those nights where I feel lonely. It’ll pass. I suppose I just want a hug.

Time.

I really haven’t had any time to write on here. I’ve been sorting work out and going. It’s becoming real very quickly. The major plus is that I might have sorted a job for when I depart. That’s put my mind at rest a lot.

I’ve been avoiding my phone. This sounds strange but it’s what I’ve needed. Unfortunately, I need it for work a lot so it can be difficult. I miss how things used to be but I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last 4 months. I didn’t like the person that I had become.

I’ve told somebody exactly what I want. It’s as simple as I want them to want to be in my life. I’m not saying everyday, I just want them to take an interest in my life. I do care about them more than maybe I should, but I’m not ashamed to say it. Some people think it’s strange to tell everybody everything but how short is life? One incident has changed the way I look at life. I need to tell people how I think and feel about them now before life can change. We have no idea or control what is going to happen, so live your life in the present.

I realise that I also annoy people because I don’t question and worry as much as I should. Someone asked me why I don’t seem to worry about many things. I stopped worrying about anything about 3 months ago. Nobody should live their life worrying about small things. Just live your life and be happy.

BORED.

The sooner I leave the better. I know that sounds rude but I’m so bored with everything at the moment. It’s like there’s something missing. I’ve not really spoken to anybody for two days as I just wanted time to myself. People say they hate spending time alone but sometimes it’s just needed. After the weekend I had, some time alone was refreshing.

It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen. I don’t know what. I mean, I went on the date and it was really nice. They want to go out again, I’m not sure. I’m waiting. Is it for something exciting? I don’t know.

My friends had a massive argument the other night. I stayed out of it. Easier that way. The next day they asked why they never see me get angry or annoyed anymore. I just told them that everything seems easier if you don’t think or question anything. I’m still not even sure what they were arguing about. I just walked off and did my own thing. Later, I returned to find that everything seemed to be sorted.

Also, talking to people has been boring as well. I haven’t slept well, maybe that’s why. Even when I do sleep, I have dreams that I confuse me. You know when you wake up and just think about the dream you’ve just had.

Decision made.

I’m half asleep writing this but I’ll try and get across what I need to say. I’m going. I’m going to go in August. I need this. While sitting on the train the other day I realised that if I don’t go now, I might regret it for the rest of my life. If I don’t like it, I can come back.

Went on a date the other day. It went really well. Only thing is, I want to go. She knows this, I’ve made it all clear what I want. She said she didn’t mind and that she wanted to spend as much time with me before I leave. It’s people like this that you should hold onto. They’re the people that are going to be there when you hit the lows and help you pick yourself up.

Another point, somebody said I was grumpy for the first time in a long time the other day. I didn’t think I was but they said that it’s obvious when I am because I always have a smile on my face. On this day though, I didn’t. I just hugged the person. I realised a couple of days later why I was grumpy that day. I’m not going to put it on here or tell anyone why. It’s just so obvious to me why.

A last point, I thought I wouldn’t think about a friend as much as I have done. A lot has been said but this person still drifts into my thoughts from time to time. The normal things, are they okay, are people looking after them and are they happy. I like to think I know this person quite well and I know the sort of things that they will be thinking. I just want them to know that I’m here for them. I do miss them but I don’t think they miss me. I read somewhere the other day that you shouldn’t give up on anybody that comes into your thoughts once a day.